• Han Butler

How My Life Turned Upside Down

It feels like a lifetime since I last sat at my laptop and typed out my thoughts. It's only been 43 days but it feels like another life.

In a way, it was another life.

In July I remember sitting down at my desk with a glass of orange juice and a chocolate croissant, and I looked around my office admiring the sleek and professional space I'd created for myself. I took a long look at my vision board with an enormous amount of excitement for my future, then my eyes found the picture overlooking my desk of James and I - butterflies filled my stomach and love filled my heart. For the first time in my entire life I said "I love my life".

I was so genuinely happy in that moment.

But that happiness was short lived.

In a matter of a few short weeks my life has changed more than I could have imagined.

I've been trying to work out the best way to explain what has been happening, I've tried beating around the bush and taking the long way round, but in the end I decided the only way to be is blunt.

On Monday 24th August my dad was diagnosed with Advanced (metastatic) Prostate Cancer that had spread to his hips and spine.

On Monday 7th September James and I broke up.

In, what seemed like, a blink of an eye, I became a full time carer to the first man who ever loved me and I lost the man I'm in love with. I've had a broken heart, an exhausted body, a defeated mind and the weight of a thousand responsibilities every day since.

Every day has been a struggle, in more ways than one. Things like opening my art store and building my personal brand have had to take a back seat. However, I haven't just been neglecting my blog, I've also neglected myself. My mental wellbeing, my health, self care - it's all taken a back seat too.

I tried writing a couple blog posts over the last week using my trusted list of blog post ideas but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't write anything worth publishing. I wasn't in the right headspace to right about feminism, self love, relationships, sex etc.

But this is my life for the foreseeable. This is my reality. I can't keep neglecting my blog so I came up with a new idea. Every Sunday at 5pm GMT, I'll be publishing a new post in a new series "Carer Chronicles".

I've been thrown into this new world with new responsibilities and it takes up 90% of my thoughts every day, so I want to use that to try and help other people out there who are caring for someone they love.

For now I won't be placing anymore pressure on myself, quite frankly I don't think I could take any more. I have to ask you though, to please be patient and understanding if I don't get back to you quick enough or if I don't publish one Sunday. Over the past few weeks I've received more than a few aggressive comments for not being available and active - if you were one of those people, I hope this can act as a reminder to you that you never know what someone is going through behind the scenes. Be kind always.

Writing this short post has took 4 hours to finish, has included many deletes and rewrites, and has caused quite a few tears. I wish I could have opened up more and been more vulnerable in this post but I've gotten into the habit of putting on a strong "I'm fine, I have everything under control" front to everyone - all of the time, and I'm finding it hard to let my guard down at the minute.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Stay kind.

Love, Han


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