• Han Butler

Let's Talk | I need your help...

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A couple of weeks ago I announced across my social media platforms that I was taking a break, from both my blog and social media, due to being triggered by something that was said to me on Twitter.

At the time I had no idea how long my break would last, but I knew it was the best decision for me. I hurt myself, and it made me realise that I needed to take a step back and get my emotions in check.

It's weeks later and, honestly, I'm still feeling so overwhelmed, to the point where I have a hard time actually pin-pointing my emotions. It's as if all the wires in my head got tangled and crossed. Everything seems so foggy, except for one emotion - fear.

All of my day-to-day anxieties have heightened; I've become so afraid of so many things. I've been in a constant state of worry, about everything; my family, money, my health, solicitor appointments, doctor appointments, my writing, my future, even the strangers who reach out to me for advice. Even my deep-rooted fears have been heightened; I've always been scared of spiders, but the fear was manageable, now I'm hallucinating the bloody things. I know, crazy right?! I feel so on edge and jumpy all of the time, which is something I am so looking forward to getting rid of once I sort through everything going on in my head.

Speaking of sorting through things, I decided to work through my many, many fears and anxieties that I have right now, starting with the ones I can actually control. As physically and as mentally ill my health problems, my injury case, and my hospital appointments make me, they are things I cannot control.

The only thing I can take control of right now is building the future I so desperately want for myself. I've been thinking about why I've been so scared to go all in on my dreams, and I realised I'm not afraid of failing and completely falling on my face, I'm afraid of being in the exact same place in 5 years that I'm in today.

When my health took a turn for the worse, I pretty much shut down. I was an incredibly independent person, so for that to just suddenly change at the age of 20 was a lot to handle. I mean I went from living with my best friend, working, creating, and being happy, to needing my Nan to wash and dry my hair, and needing my food cut up for me, and just feeling ashamed and useless.

After getting myself out of a deep, DEEP, depression, I was finally brave enough to say "this is not what I want." So I started to think about what I wanted from my future, and the thing I wanted most was a blog - a successful blog.

And I did that. I haven't reached massive success, but I did build my blog, from scratch, on my own; and I've never been more proud of any other achievement in my life. It was very much my creation and my vision. I put absolutely everything I had into it, but what I offer isn't enough. I used to think that if I didn't succeed on my own, then I failed. I was far too proud to ask for help, I think it was a way for me to hold on to my independence after losing so much of it suddenly. It's took me a really long time to accept that asking for help doesn't take anything away from my accomplishments, and quite frankly my dreams and future are much more important than my pride. So I've decided to not only accept help, but ask for it too, from both my loved ones, and from you.

I've never been good at selling myself, but for my dreams, I think I can give it a good go. My health is shocking and unpredictable, and my mental health is overpowering and, at times, debilitating. I'm a mess. But I'm a creative, honest and determined mess. There are 3 things that I'm passionate about - love, creating, and helping others. Which is why blogging is my life. It saved me, honestly. Building this blog made me realise that I could still create something beautiful and meaningful despite everything I lost, and I want nothing more than to continue building my blog and reaching more people, because the more people I help or make smile, the more it makes my heart glow.

Before my arm became useless, my passion was drawing. I loved it, and quite frankly I was pretty damn good at it. I was a perfectionist, and drew really intricate and detailed pieces, and then one day I couldn't even write my own name. I tried again once my tremor became manageable with medication, but I still couldn't do it. I missed it so much, so this year I decided to try again, but this time I stepped out of my comfort zone to find other ways of drawing. It was quite clear that creating intricate pieces was no longer possible for me to do, so I experimented and created more simple line drawings that allow the imagination to see it in it's own perspective. Drawing creates physical pain, and I can only do a couple hours before I physically cannot hold the pencil anymore - but it's so worth it because I fell back in love with drawing all over again.

Which is why I have decided, after a lot of research, to open an Etsy art store. I want to expand my brand that I already love so much. It will be months in the making of course, because of the extra time it takes me to create, but I think that's what will make my work so special - it'll be created completely out of love. Which is why, when my store is up and running, I want to try and donate 10% of the monthly profits to charity. I'm thinking of alternating between two charities close to my heart - The Dystonia Society and Mind.

You may not help me, and that's ok, but I'll never know unless I ask, right? So if you like what I'm doing here with my blog, or you want to support my art journey, or if my story touches you in any way, and you want to support a complete stranger, then you can do so by;

Making a donation, as small as 1p, via my ko-fi page or via Paypal using the following email address - chroniclesofacreativemess@gmail.com

You can also support me by simply sharing my blog, or my future art store, on your social media platforms so that I can reach more wonderful people.

I truly appreciate every single bit of support, whether that be a share, 5p or £5.

I trust the next chapter of my life, because I know the author and I trust her heart. But I can't expect you to have that same trust in a person you don't know - so let's fix that! Email me, message me, reach out to me on social media, because I would absolutely love for you to get to know me. I don't want to just fulfill my dreams and help others - I also want to create friendships built on trust and respect; with you.

I'm so happy to be back.

Love, Han


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