• Han Butler

New Year, Same Me (with a little extra bad bitch energy)

Photo by Free-Photos

It's 2020, I can't quite believe it. Happy New Year, I hope you had a wonderful time bringing in the new decade. I thoroughly enjoyed my NYE. I spent it with my boyfriend and his family. We played games, drank, laughed, ate some seriously disturbing flavoured jelly beans, and laughed some more. I couldn't have asked for a better start to this new year.

It was important to me that I started 2020 in a happier mindset than the one I'd been in recently. You may have noticed that I took almost a month long break from both my blog, and social media, well that was due to the depressive state I'd found myself in. It was getting pretty overwhelming, so I made the decision to take a step back from the online world, I upped my anti-depressants, and I focused on keeping myself calm and happy. It was the healthiest decision I have made for myself in quite a while, because now I am back, focused and more determined than ever.

I don't usually make resolutions. I've always thought they were a pointless tradition, and no one ever really sticks to the ones they make. But this year I thought, fuck it! There are things I want to do and changes I want to make for me and my life, so why not make them my new years resolutions; and why not share them with you, after all, you'll be here to witness it all.


My Resolutions

1. Take advantage of my good days

If you're a regular reader, or follow me on social media, then you probably know I was diagnosed with a condition called Dystonia, and it's had a huge impact on my life. It even led to me being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I'm currently being weened off my medication, so that I can begin a new course of treatment.

These next few months are expected to be tough; my tremor will be bad, I'll be in pain, I'll be tired and drained. So when I get a good day, or even a good few hours, I will make the most of it. I'll use that time to do my art, or work on my blog, or spend time with my loved ones. I will not take those good moments for granted anymore.

2. No more self harm

This year I gave in to the urges to self harm. I'm not proud of it, and at first I was really disappointed in myself and did nothing but beat myself up over it. I thought I was weak and pathetic, but I'm neither of those things. In moments of complete and utter sadness, panic and confusion, I turned to something that gave me back my control.

I know I shouldn't have done it, and I know that it is dangerous and self-destructive, but I did it, and quite frankly I'm sick of beating myself up over something that I can't change. I can't promise that I'll never do it again, but I can promise that I will try with every ounce of strength I have, to not hurt myself.

3. Monitor my time on social media

One of the reasons I decided to take my recent social media break, was because I'd been receiving a few negative and rude comments on Twitter. I don't usually allow people to get to me, but because my mental health was deteriorating, it left me vulnerable to the affects of online trolls. Not only trolls that contacted me, but those that target others, be it celebrities or otherwise.

The negativity online can truly set me back, and it's unavoidable when you're on it or so long. Which is why I want to monitor the time I spend on social media. Trolls will be reported or blocked, and I will be logging off at least 3 hours before I go to bed.

4. Take my blog to new levels

My blog is my baby, my biggest achievement. I built it from scratch with pure passion and determination. The support I've received so far has been incredible, but this site is only just getting started. There are so many things I want to do with it, and so many directions I want to take it in. I'm so excited to grow this site and take it to new levels.

No more saying no to opportunities just because they scare me!

5. Plan art store for Summer 2020 launch

Last year I revealed I was planning to open an online art store, and as you can see, I still don't have one. I'm usually the type of person to go all in the second I set my mind to something, but due to my temperamental arm, I can't do that in this case. As much as I absolutely love to draw and create, it literally causes me physical pain, so I can only do one or two (depending on the size and detail) every few days.

So if you're wondering what's been taking me so long, I've been trying to create enough copies of my first collection to get me started. It's taking a little bit longer than expected, but I'm trying to aim for a Summer 2020 launch, so please keep your eye out for that.

I plan to start each day of this new decade telling myself all the things I have been depriving myself of, and refusing to believe my entire life. That I am strong. That I am beautiful. That I am smart. That I am talented. That I deserve the love people are trying to give me. That I am enough.

Before I end this post, I want to say one quick thing...

Dear 2020,

I know we just met, but I have a good feeling about you and I think we could do great things together. Or you could throw a load of shit at me if you want, but I think I can take you.

Love, Han


If you like what I'm doing and you would like to support me and my little blog, then you can do so by making a small donation via ko-fi here, or via paypal using the following email address - chroniclesofacreativemess@gmail.com

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